The year of No Regrets.

I have been thinking a lot lately about resolutions and regrets.  I don't know if your like me, but I tend to think a lot about my resolutions but than never get around to them and instead live with regret.  This last year, one harsh lesson I learned is that you truly never know when it will be too late to do something or try something you have been meaning to try.  This year I have decided to think of 12 regrets and each month work on one regret.  I am hoping that by focusing on just one regret at a time I will be able to focus in on what I can do to resolve this regret.   Sometimes I feel like life is zooming past me faster than I can catch up.  My regrets cripple me, my guilt of not doing the things I wish I had said or had done stop me from doing the very thing I wish I could do.  Do you ever feel this way?
Now I have an awful lot of regrets but when I lost Sam I realized that most of my regrets were to do with memories and how I spend my time.  I wish I could've held him for just a minute more, I wish I would've taken more pictures of him.  These are regrets that I must learn to live with.  Grieving him and living with these regrets and many others sometimes make me feel like I can't do anything about other regrets I may have in my life.  I am making smaller goals to help me achieve a bigger goal of being a better person, of living a fuller life.  These are the regrets I have chosen to work on :

#1:I regret not writing down the silly things my children say and do, so that both I and they can look back and remember all the little things.
#2:I regret not connecting more with friends both old and new.
#3:I regret not taking enough pictures of the little things.  We always remember to take pictures when we are going to the zoo, or at a child's birthday but what about taking pictures of our children laughing or playing.  Videos or voice recordings of them talking.
#4:I regret not scrapbooking while I rememeber things about the photos.
#5:I regret not being more physically active and in control of my diet/exercise plan.
#6:I regret not connecting more with my family both here and far away.
#7:I regret not properly storing and having easier access to the videos and recordings I do have.
#8:I regret not building up and working on my relationship with my hubby.
#9:I regret not finding meaningful ways to honor and remember Sam, to deal with my grief.
#10:I regret not working harder to strengthen both my and my childrens relationship to our heavenly father.
#11:I regret not preparing my family more for emergencies both financial and natural disasters.
#12:I regret not taking more time to play with my kids.

Each month I will pick one of my regrets and think of things I can do to change and do better.  I dont expect that this year I will truly not have any regrets but I think that this can help me to have fewer of them and to find more peace and happiness within myself.




"If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it. Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together, and cultivating treasured memories. - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf(Of Regrets and Resolutions, October 2012 Conference) http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/of-regrets-and-resolutions?lang=eng&query=regrets+resolutions

27 weeks

I have decided to blow the dust off the keyboard and blog again. I think this will be a great way to journal and keep friends and family updated on everything.

Our roller coaster ride began on Monday, February 13th. Our doctor is Randy Alejo from circle of life and if it weren't for him we'd be in an entirely different situation. He is very thorough and had us scheduled for targeted ultrasounds every 4 weeks in addition to the ultrasound appointments with him every few weeks. This time they couldn't find two slots together, which we needed with twins, so he scheduled us for the 24 week targeted up at Mckay-Dee with the perinatologists. The very first thing she saw on the ultrasound was that my cervix appeared to be open. She checked the babies out said everything looked great and then she looked at the cervix again which still appeared to be open. She brought the doctor in and she said I was already dilated to a 1 with the bag of waters showing. They immediately sent us to labor and delivery where we were given medicine to stop contractions and steroids for the babies lungs. Me and Jer were in shock. We had expected a routine appointment and were now being told that these babies were coming early and their viability rate was only 50%. All we could think about was please let them be okay.

We made it a week and a half when I started feeling pressure, we were taken back to labor and delivery where we found out I had dilated to a 3 and now the bag of waters was bulging. Again we were in shock, things seemed to be going so good. The neonatologist again came in and went over viability, now at 75%, and risks. We told him we would make it to at least the end of march and he chuckled and said he would bring us cake and ice cream if we made it that long.

Sophie and Porter have been trading between Grandma and Grandpa Wheeler's and Grandma and Grandpa Strong's every few days. They are enjoying their time with them and having fun. We skype with them every night. I miss them so much but I know they are well taken care of and happy.

We have truly felt an overwhelming love from our heavenly father. We have had blessings and said so many prayers for them. We are so grateful for all the prayers that are being offered by our family and friends. We feel strength and comfort from them. Although most of the docs and nurses don't think we will make it far we remain hopeful. Things look better for the babies at 28 weeks and again at 32 weeks so we hope and pray that we can carry them to a safer point. Continue to pray for us, we cannot express the love we are feeling from our father in heaven. I know that he is the reason we have made it this far.

Some Thoughts

The passing of our brother in law has been one of the saddest and hardest times in our lives. Ben was an amazing person. His smile and laugh still fills our memories. Ben was always smiling, telling a joke or a funny story with his friends and loved ones. He cared about others and was always concerned about helping out a friend or loved one. He was a great husband, father, son and friend. He will be sorely missed. The pain we feel right now is continually weighing on our hearts and minds but we know Ben would want us to be happy and to find reasons to laugh again so we will continue on. Please keep my sister and his children in your prayers. Thank you to all of our friends and family for helping us through this heartache. We love you.
Bens obituary:http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=benjamin-miller&pid=140751750

Slideshow Benjamin Miller Funeral

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. ~Flavia Weedn,
Click this link to view a slideshow if images from Bens funeral Smilebox Playback

Porter First Steps

I didnt think he was going to do this any time soon. He is such a chicken just like his sister was. He would stand next to things without hanging on when he wasn't paying attention but as soon as he realized what he was doing he would panic and fall face first. We had tried this with him a couple times but he would just sit down when we let go. I think it was more by accident that he took that first step but then he decided to give it a try. He was so proud of himself!

Porter is 1

Porter is 1 year old today! I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. He is so ready to walk but still not ready to let go. He finally decided that he could crawl it just had to be on his own terms. I think that may be a reoccurring theme with Po. Everything he does it has to be his way and in his time schedule. I made him a bottle and stood a few feet away and held it out for him but instead of crawling or walking those few feet he chose to stand there hanging onto the table and yelling at me. He tensed his whole body standing on his tippy toes and turning bright red but for almost five minutes he refused to come get that bottle even though it was clearly what he wanted. He can be extremely stubborn but he can also be sweet and goofy. He loves to play peek a boo with sister and every time he looks at her he just has this look on his face like she is the coolest, funniest thing he has ever laid eyes on. I know one day sister won't be as cool as she is now so for now I'll enjoy these moments. He also loves to dance any time he hears music he bounces his bottom up and down. I love him so much and I am so glad that I get to be his mother.

Sophie 4 years old

Sophies measurements

38.5 inches 18%
30 lbs 0 oz 11%


Sophie is such an amzing little girl. She is so smart it amazes me. She is strong willed and determined when she wants to do something she will do it and no one can stop her. She is so protective of her little brother she through a total fit when we had to give him shots. She tries to get him to stop crying everyday when I get ready by entertaining him with toys and playing little games with him and gets sad when it doesnt work. She is so ready to grow up she told me the other day that after she turns 4 then she will turn 5 and then she will be 16. She is an absolute animal lover particularly cats and horses. She now asks for playdates with her firends almost every day. She is bossy and sassy which she has been from the beginning so that has not changed. I remind myself that one day this will be a great trait if she can learn to use it at the right moments. She is so beautiful and goofy and caring and I am so happy that I get to watch her grow and learn.
Some funny things she has said lately

"ba-sagna" instead of lasagna

when grandpa told her he was pooped after playing with her for awhile she quickly said "go wipe your bum then"

"santa is not bringing me a big black rock he is bringing me a wowwee alive cub mini"

she tells her daddy everyday that he cant go to work beacuse he needs to stay home and watch barbie and the three musketeers with her

when she opened her birthday presents she said several funny things " oh my gosh, oh my gosh " " I wanted this my entire life" " oh man"

Porter 9 months

Porters 9 month checkup.
length 28" 41%
weight 15 lbs 12 oz 1%
head circ. 46.5 cm 83%

Porter is still just a little guy with a big head. He refuses to crawl or have anythign to do with it. He has to be the most stubborn child I have ever seen. He lays on his tummy and yells at us. He scoots backwards and in circles trying to find something to grab and pull back up on. He walks around couches and tables but has no interest in being on his tummy. I don't know why it makes him so mad but he will have none of it. He also does not like to be left alone now. It used to be I could set him down with some toys and go get ready for the day now he cries the entire time and refuses to even look at his toys. As soon as I pick him up he is smiling and laughing. What a stinker! He has two teeth on the bottom now.

Sophie turns 4!

I cannot beleive that my baby is already 4. Time flies! This year she wanted a jack Skellington party so we had to be creative beacuse no one had nightmare before christmas party supplies. She picked out a Frankenstein Pinata which all of the kids loved. We also had a face painter come the kids looked so cute with all of their faces painted she is talented and did a great job. We played some halloween games and did a scratch art craft. I made Jack Skellington cupcakes and we had a blast. She got absolutely spoiled with presents.

Halloween 09

This year Sophie was Dorothy and Porter was the cowardly lion which fits Porter perfectly he cries at eveything. Porter looked chubby for the first time in his life and I could not stop laughing at him this costume was hilarious and adorable. Sophie looked absolutely beautiful as a little Dorothy and she still has to wear the red sparkly shoes everyday.

Pumpkin Patch

Sophie had her first school field trip and was so excited. We went to the Black Island Farms pumpkin patch. They had so many fun things we will definitely have to go back next year. Sophie is still my little scaredy cat though. All of the other kids ran circles around her up to all the different homeade slides and she would have none of it. I hope she learns to loosen up soon I'm afraid she is going to miss out on childhood. I like that she is safe but she is afraid of slides, somersaults and even crossing bridges on jungle gyms.

Porter update

I forgot to add Porters measurements.

Length 25.1" 7%
Weight 12 lbs 14 oz 0%
Head Circ. 44.7 cm 71%

Porter is already doing so much better. After only a few days of supplementing he started sitting almost on his own and he is even scooting backwards when on his tummy. I feel so relieved to see the difference in only a few days. We still don't completely understand the huge decline in weight but we are now pretty sure that he was even starting to get dehydrated. His diapers are actually wet now when before he would go all day and barely need changed. I'll continue to push extra calories and we'll see in a few weeks where his weight is at but I really feel like we are on the right track and hopefully he will be back on the charts.

Porters 6 month check up

So we had Porters 6 month check up yesterday and got a little bit of a shock. When they weighed him he only weighed 12 lbs 14 oz which is only 8 oz more than over 2 months ago. He is not even on the charts for his weight it has completely flatlined. When she started naming off developmental milestones we realized he is falling behind he isn't even trying to sit up on his own and he doesnt scoot or bounce when laying on his stomach he just sort of lays there or rolls over. His doctor thinks because of his lack of nutrition he simply does not have the energy to progress. She said that for whatever reason he is not getting the nutrition he needs from nursing and we need to give him more calories through formula supplementation. What little he was getting from me he was burning off by working so hard to get it. I feel absolutely horrible I felt that Porter has been off for a little while now and I couldn't figure out why he seemed so fussy. She wants us to bring him back in a few weeks to make sure he is gaining and if not they will switch him to a high calorie formula and do some lab work to see if anything else is going on. I gave him a bottle today and his whole demeanor changed he went from being fussy after two nursing sessions to talking and smiling and laughing. I know that it doesnt make much sense but I can't help feeling like I failed him in some way all I wanted was for him to be healthy and happy and somehow I feel like I am to blame. The one thing a mother should be able to do is keep her child fed. He also had a appointment with a pediatric dermatologist last week at Primary Childrens and we found out that he has ichthyosis (pronounced ick-thee-o-sis) he will always have really dry flaky skin that looks scaly similar to fish scales. As we walked through the halls of PCMC we could not be more grateful that we were there for a minor skin condition when so many others were there for much more serious reasons. I know Porter will be okay and that we have the healthcare he needs from a wonderful pediatrician but I am worried sick about him right now and I pray that we can figure out what is going on with him.

Summer In Review

It has been a crazy summer for us. We have been going non stop and I am looking forward to some down time. Both of my sisters were able to visit with all of their cute little ones. First Jeannie came in June it had been 9 years since we had seen her. She has 3 kids one of which we had never met Olivia 4 and two others Josh who was 1 the last time I saw him now 9 and Kellie who was two now 11. They had been living in Maryland and are now on their way to Kansas (army). Jeannies husband Ben is in Iraq but will be coming home in a couple of months. We promised each other when she left that we would not let nine years pass by again. It was so much fun getting to know the kids and they absolutely adored our dogs. Sophie and Olivia were inseperable and I am certain that they will miss each others company. I know I will miss all of them. In July Kassi, her husband Allan and kids came. I had seen them a little more recently when sophie was just 2 we spent a month in kentucky with them and they came to visit that december so a year and a half ago. Kassi has 4 littles Logan 8, Cayleigh 6, Gabriel 5 and Victoria 3 months. They also brought Allan Thomas their oldest son with them. It was so much fun going everywhere with them and getting to see how much they have grown. It was especially fun seeing Tori, Porter and Brynleigh together they were all born within months of each other and it was fun to see the differences in stages and personalities. We did so mnay fun things with them I don't even know if I can remember it all but some of the festivities included a barn dance, a couple to trips to Marks farm, the Zoo, lagoon, aquarium 2 fairs, 4 birthday celebrations whew no wonder I'm exhausted. Cayleigh and Sophie hit it off as well Sophie loved being able to hang out with a girl that is older than her she looks up to her so much it was super cute to see and Cayleigh even taught her all the words to her favorite Hannah Montana "boom da clap". I'll try to catch it on video. Here comes a million photos and dont miss Sophies funny video from Lagoon.

Pioneer Day

Sophie was in the Ogden Pioneer days parade with her grandma and grandpa Strong on the 24th. She looks adorable in her little dress and she was so excited to be in the parade and wave at all the people. She was right at home being the center of attention not surprisingly until someone from the newspaper came to ask her questions and then she had nothing to say. Thanks for the fun memories Grandma and Grandpa Strong.

Lagoon

Sophie had so much fun at Lagoon this year she was much more brave about which rides she would try. Her expressions were hilarious and I hope these memories will always be remembered. She absolutely loved Dinosaur egg drop with dad but hated ladybug bop with mom (they are the exact same ride mind you). She begged to go on terror ride but wouldnt open her eyes once inside. Her and dad tried out the new dragon ride which is a ride similar to music express (goes in circles and up and down but then it stops and goes backwards and it is really fast). She came off of the ride with this angry face and told us that she would not ride that ride ever again! She is so dramatic in everything she does she is always making us laugh. Classic mad Sophie face I cannot promise that I will not one day be using that photo as blackmail.

Dance

Sophie started a dance class with her little friend Maklee Rhoades. She is having so much fun and is always excited to show me what she learned. She is hilarious to watch she has no coordination and just watching her try to figure out how to jump through hula hoops proves very entertaining. She wears herself out every week and I caught her fast asleep in her tutu.

Large cockroaches

One day I walked out on my front porch and glanced up to see this above me on my archway. I ran back inside the house freaking out and called jeremy to tell him about these large cockraoches. He laughed at me and told me to take a pic because he was certain they were some other kind of much smaller bug than I was describing. I tried to take a pic with my phone but I was not about to get close and you could not see them on my phone camera. I took a pic with my digital camera and ran down stairs to show da he looked at the pic and said are you sure thery are not bats and I said no they are HUGE cockroaches. He gave me some bug spray and sent me upstairs as I was getting ready tp spray them I took a closer look and saw this

yep not cockroaches BATS!!!! If I wasn't freaking out before I was now! UGHH!

Barn Dance

Jeannie and her kids got here just in time for the annual Fowers barn dance. Everyone had tons of fun. Sophie wore her new pink princess cowgirl hat and loved dancing with the big people we even caught a clip of her dancing with the bishop she did pretty good. The kids all raced stick horses and little Olivia beat everyone. Josh wanted nothing to do with it but somehow we got him out there anyway. Kellie made a friend and spent most of the night with the horses.

planting the garden with Grandma and Grandpa Strong

Sophie was so excite to help. She helped a little more than daddy wanted accidently stepping on our only two cantalope plants, woops! Sophie runs to the window to check on our garden quite often and stares at the plants in amazement that she actually grew her own veggies.